What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 11:24
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I said to her
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
How do I convince my husband that a threesome is okay?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We all went to grammer schools
They are buried together, in the same grave..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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She wouldn,t have been !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was seconnd youngest,
My life is so biszare .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Especially a lifetime of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So, i spoilt her more .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She married twice! .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Comes on , in middle age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot live in the past .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I write beautiful poetry .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Would this be the day?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I think the readers, may guess!
But it wasn’t much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im still living with it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i lived it daily.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I have no regrets .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was scared of men, in general
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She found it foreign!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
So whats the point in blame.
I waited trembling.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When she asked me how she looked .
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
(And it was in our own minds.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She loved him until the end.
This is soul school!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was in good health!
We were not on the streets..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ive learnt so much.
All the time i was locked up.
He knew the spot.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years